woman hugging cushion How to know if you’ve found yourself a clinger.

Ever been on one of those really bad dates? Like, the ones where you need to call in a favour and have a mate call or text you that something major has happened, just so you can leave? And why have you had to resort to such desperate measures?  Well, as the date progressed, to your horror you have seen the unimaginable unfold right before your eyes. You have found yourself in the presence of a…Clinger!

I’ve had to deal with a fair few of these, but am now a lot wiser because I have mastered the language of “Clingon.”

There are different types of Clingers.

First, you have the out and proud Clinger. There are no secrets here. The second you meet all she wants to talk about is how and why her past relationships have failed and how she hates to be alone…and also how she thinks that after a cocktail or two, you might be the one to save her.

You’ve then got the closet Clinger. She will come across as cool, calm and collected. Might even make you think to yourself, “Maybe I’ve found myself a normal, down to earth, low maintenance chick.” You go out on your first date and things go great. You wake up to a text message the next morning saying, “Hey babe, was so good to meet you, hope we can catch up again sometime xxx.” You smile and go about your day.

It’s now about lunchtime. You receive another message, “Hey babe, just wanted to make sure you got my last message, not being a stalker or anything, just making sure my phone is working  xxx ” (Yeah, right)

By dinner you’re reading, “If you didn’t want to see me again, you could’ve just said so!” followed by, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean that, I’m sure you’re just busy,” then by, “You haven’t replied to any of my text messages. Why don’t you just tell me you don’t like me?!”

And lastly, you’ve got the angry psycho Clinger. With this lovely lady (or “ladies” depending on how many personalities she has) it starts off seemingly innocently enough. She opens up and tells you how she has been hurt before, softens you up a bit. But if you don’t want to see her again, look out! Other women have made her life hell so she intends on doing the same to you because you’re “just like everyone else!” She calls you every expletive under the sun, guilts you into believing you have made her depressed. She might try to be your friend. You might give it a go, out of pity, but again if you’re not as friendly as she wants you to be, she’s going to bring out another one of her crazy personalities to bring up the past and remind you of how you broke her heart after dating her for two weeks.

It’s intense. So here are some tips to avoid these situations:

  1.  If she messages you more than three times when you’re not responding, she obviously likes talking to herself, so she’s nuts.
  2.  If she’s talking about past hurts and relationships, she’s expecting you to be her hero, so either bring your cape or…actually bring it either way; you’ll need it to get away too.
  3. If she has suddenly decided after abusing you that she wants to be friends, it’s a trap! Run!