DeAnne Smith once picked me out of the audience at her show and screamed “Tell it to my balls!” while thrusting at me. Needless to say it was love at first sight.
For the rest of the show she couldn’t take her eyes off me.
Of course that’s not true. Well, the balls part is.
Between the screaming, the chocolates being thrown into the crowd (oldest trick in the book) and the many songs she rocked on the ukulele it was quite unlike any comedy I’d seen.
So naturally when the opportunity came to do an interview with her I leaned back in my chair and sipped at my chai. Then four days later I responded. I looked very, very cool. DeAnne had by this point forgotten me I’m sure but she played it cool as well. Respect.
I know DeAnne was particularly devastated that we couldn’t meet face to face. But some things just aren’t meant to be. And I secretly enjoyed that our first and only physical encounter involved thrusting and balls (a combination I would usually shy away from).
Of course that’s not true. Well, the balls part is.
Throughout our correspondence I was given privilege to a few juicy pieces of information. The first came over a discussion about some never seen before photos I was promised.
DeAnne to Me:
I have some new photos but my girlfriend has the disc (why am I telling you my life story?)
In all honesty I didn’t know why she was telling me her life story. But I liked it. And I wanted more.
Me to DeAnne:
It was nice to get a glimpse into your life through the comments about the photo disc and your girlfriend. I’ll probably just publish that bit and scrap the rest.
DeAnne to Me:
I’ll be sending them from your nation, as I arrive in Sydney on Thursday morning. Ooo! Another glimpse! 😉
Me to DeAnne:
Wow. Next you’ll tell me your credit card details…
DeAnne to Me:
VISA 4042 7682 2930 9990 (security code 136) exp 03/13.
Me to DeAnne:
Congratulations. You just bought this (see dildo photo above):
DeAnne to Me:
awesome.
but i don’t have a car, and as walking is my main form of transport, i’ll have to wear it across my own butt.
Me to DeAnne:
If I could have a photo of that I’d scrap all the interviews, everything I’ve written about you and the credit card details and just use that.
Deal?
DeAnne to Me:
Deal.
So now I wait. And I refresh my inbox again. And again. And again. Waiting for that photo. And the whole time I know that if and when it doesn’t come I’ll have to use the interview.
No photo of a sticker on a butt. Just words. And I will slowly slip into despair. And my chai is cold. And no one even put their balls in my face.
Of course that’s not true. Well, the balls part is.
– SG
What’s so great about your new show “Sexy Feelings”?
First of all, it’s called “Sexy Feelings.” Second of all, it’s about sexy feelings. Plus, I talk about relationships, love, and sex and it’s, like, 27% gayer than any other show I’ve done.
How did you know that comedy was for you?
I knew comedy was for me when I realized I had absolutely no other marketable skills. It’s a passion pursued in panic.
Who’s your hero?
My mom, Maria Bamford, and anyone who’s skilled in bicycle repair.
Why do so many people enjoy drawing cartoons of you? Have you considered a career as an animation character?
I’ve actually collected more pictures than I’ve put up on my website. Just a few weeks ago, someone drew a cartoon of me on the back of a comment card at the comedy club I was at. That was lovely surprise, even if my head was disproportionately large. Why do they do it? I’m not sure. I guess something about me is either inherently adorable and/or ridiculous. Let’s hope it’s adorable.
A lot of them look like Daria with short hair- discuss.
What’s to discuss? Best compliment ever!
What is more annoying to a comedian than people saying “lol” instead of laughing?
When people text. Unless you’re texting to say, “Man, this comic is not only super good-looking but she’s also smart and hilarious,” put your phone down. I will take it from you, and bring the rest of the crowd together in laughter that’s meant to mock you.
Who’s your favourite lesbian ever?
I like any of those old school, outdoorsy lesbians in buzz cuts who wear fleece sweater vests and fanny packs. Them, and Lily Tomlin.
If I wanted to stalk you where would I start?
If you want to stalk me, step very, very slowly. Avoid abrupt or shaky movements. Keep your body low and compressed.
And then what would I do?
Keep me directly in the center of your vision at all times. Freeze all motion any time I look in your direction, and until I look away.
And then what would I do…?
Squint your eyes and avoid showing your teeth when you are 10 feet or less from me.
