Queerie Bradshaw with selection of dildos
Queerie Bradshaw with a selection of dildos

Washed, lubed and ready to go, the beautifully shaped Fling and I had an amusing evening together.

…Continued from last week.

It’s not the toy for those who want in and out penetration, but it definitely gets the job done when it comes to G-spot fun.

Once I had my Fling, I was ready for more complex toys. Out of the Babeland box, I grabbed the Sqweel, highly excited to try my first oral sex simulator.

A mechanical wheel with tongue like silicone appendages, the Sqweel is one of Babeland’s best-sellers according to its website. The comic value of a wheel of tongues made me excited to own the Sqweel, but the potential of a new type of orgasm made me even more excited to use it.

I grabbed the lube, put on the porn and was all ready to go until I realized I still had no AAA batteries. Frustrated in more ways than one, I was forced to put the Sqweel aside until after Easter Sunday Brunch.

Because I’m that kind of girl with that kind of friends, my new sex toys were the topic of conversation at the table that morning. Passing the Sqweel around, some were appalled, some were jealous but all were intrigued.

As soon as brunch was over, we all went for an excursion searching for batteries. We almost died playing Frogger across a busy street, unable to see cars coming from the hail and wind, but we finally found a convenience store that had AAAs.

Getting back to my apartment, I said goodbye to my friends with a wink in my eye and laid down to give the Sqweel a whirl.

Starting on low, I had to quickly work my way up to the highest speed to get the stimulation I needed. However, at that speed, the silicone appendages felt more like gloves punching a boxing bag than tongues licking a clit.

Adding more lube, I adjusted my technique, hoping it was a user error, and pushed through to a painfully unsatisfying orgasm. It took two days for my lady bits to recover, and they shrink in fear at the idea of me giving the Sqweel a second chance.

I’m still glad that I own the Sqweel, if only for its kitsch value, but I’ll probably only use it on the lesser delicate erogenous zones of my body from now on.

As for the rest of the Babeland box, I’m reading the book Moregasm every night before I go to bed, and have been chatting with Costello about visiting her with the Love Bumper and Candy Apple Kink Kit. But, truth be told, after the Sqweel, I need a break for a bit of sexual healing, unfortunately in the literal sense.