Well, I’m sitting on the lounge this Friday night writing my first blog. I had hoped to be writing this blog in a few weeks time updating you on our babies progress. But instead, I am sitting at home with Leah, coping with the news we received today that we have just lost our 3rd angel.

I will rewind a few weeks –

This was our 11th try but our 2nd IVF after finally getting my body back into a routine after miscarrying our first IVF try. We finally had got the go-ahead to try again. Only this time we chose to keep it to ourselves so we didn’t have the added stress of everyone asking questions. We do appreciate all the ongoing support we get, but we thought let’s keep this to ourselves and see how we go. Only the work girls knew we were trying because of course, they have to know, they are there for every blood test, every emotion. They have to cover me as I race out of the room to take my medication at a precise time each morning, and they are the most supportive group I know.

Anyway, so I finally got the monthly go-ahead from my body and this time the process was slightly different. On day 2 I started on a medication called Progynova, I took this orally each day at exactly 9 am. For the first 8 days, I took 1 tablet a day and from day 8 I increased it to 2. I’m not 100% on dates etc like Leah but I had blood tests and an ultrasound in there somewhere too. I also started on the delightful Progesterone medication again, 2 times a day and then dealt with the side effects of headaches and sore everything.

The doctor told us originally we were going to have the transfer on the Sunday morning of the 17th, but rang on Saturday and told us they had changed it to Monday. We were going out the Saturday night and originally Leah couldn’t drink as it was going to be an early Sunday morning for us, however, when it changed Leah decided to let her hair down and get good and drunk. A night with the work girls was bloody fantastic but in the end, it ended with Leah’s head in the toilet and of course a nice hangover for Leah on Sunday. I don’t drink at all and that makes my memory MUCH better and I was happy to remind Leah all through Sunday of what she got up to.

On Monday 18th we went in to have our little embryo transferred, it’s really the most amazing thing seeing your embryo on the screen, this time our little “emby” had started to hatch before it was transferred. We took a photo of “babies first photo” and just prayed to every god out there that this time would be it.

Everything went swimmingly and I just had a feeling that this was it! I thought that I was pregnant. I got home Monday and hopped straight into bed, I had the whole week off work to give myself the best chance. I woke up a few hours later in agony with a horrendous migraine. Another beautiful side effect of all this medication is that I get sick with all these hormone changes. Every girl I’m sure has suffered from a cold sore, I have to go one better I don’t get them on my lips I instead get the virus in the roof of my mouth and up the back of my nose which travels straight up the sinus passage and wham bam a sinus headache like you have never experienced, what are the three main causes for this you ask? Hormone changes, Stress and Lowered Immunity.

Anyway, this god awful migraine lasted all Monday and Tuesday and finally eased slightly on Wednesday where I could actually get out of bed and move to the lounge.

I spent the entire week in bed or on the lounge feeling sorry for myself.

On Friday I started spotting but didn’t stress too much as I knew it could be implantation bleeding. I rested and took things easy. Come Saturday it was starting to get a little worse but nothing to worry about. I called Concept and they said it’s all normal. I went to Roller Derby Saturday night and the whole time I was there I was beginning to get more and more upset that it hadn’t worked. People around me thought I was grumpy but inside my thoughts couldn’t get past what was happening to my body.

For the rest of the week, it remained quite light and I just assumed it was the end of my baby dreams, however, the indignity of fertility treatment is that you have to continue all your medication until you get the phone call to stop. So I continued all the uncomfortable feelings. Wednesday the 27th was the day to get my blood test, I went in and had it but deep down told myself don’t get excited. Having the nurse call me and tell me it had taken and that I was in fact pregnant was of course the most amazing feeling. She did tell me that my levels were on the low side and to have a blood test in 2 days to make sure it was rising. Leah and I couldn’t believe it!

I wanted to have the best chance so I asked my boss for Thursday off work to put my legs up. Wednesday night my head started hurting and in the space of maybe 2 hours I was in the midst of a full-blown hormone Migraine, I slept on the lounge but spent the entire night in pain. Thursday morning was just horrible, I was in so much pain I spent the entire day with a heat pack on my head and having to take medication to try to ease the pain. I kept falling in and out of sleep but couldn’t sleep solid due to the pounding in my head. I finally dragged myself out of bed at 5 pm to see if a shower would help BUT IT DIDNT.

Leah finally got home at 6 pm and I just lost the plot, I just cried and cried half from pain and half from just being so emotionally drained.

Finally about 11 pm last night it eased off enough to fall asleep. I’m not sure how I slept as I had only been awake for maybe 3hrs the whole day but I did but had a really restless sleep. I ached all over, my stomach had cramps, my back felt like it was going to explode and my head still throbbed.

Blood test days are always so long, I have to get out of bed super early to be first in line to get my blood test so I can still make it to work in time to start at 8.30. But this blood test was more terrifying than the first; my whole body was dizzy all day. But I finally got the phone call at 2.30, I could tell in the tone of her voice what she was about to tell me. My levels weren’t back to zero yet but it wasn’t going to hang on, I was, unfortunately, miscarrying for the 2nd time. Of course, I lost it; the poor kids at work didn’t know what was happening as they watched me cry my eyes out. Leah and I then got a huge hug from every girl in the centre, I feel bad that we have to drag these poor girls through everything with us. They have no other option than to go through this process with us whether they want to or not.

So I’m sitting here and have had many emotions today, SAD that I just lost another baby that could have been, angry that it might not happen for me, Confused as to why I’m losing these babies with all this Medical help when we did it so easily ourselves, Thankful that I work with amazing and supportive people and of course heartbroken topping the list.

It’s difficult to explain to outsiders who haven’t experienced loss what you feel inside at a time like this, that the emotion involved and not just today is slowly turning me into a different person. I don’t see things the same anymore, everything I ever dreamt of having is slowly slipping away. I remember being a small child and the teacher asks “what do you want to be when you grow up” there were different answers of Teachers, Doctors, Firemen, but since the age of 5 my answer has always been the same. What do I want to be when I grow up?? My only answer has only ever been A MUM! And I would give everything I own in a heartbeat to see that dream become a reality.