Cartoon womanThe best part of being queer is the sex, unless, of course, you aren’t getting any.

I am a homosexual. We, homosexuals, like to have sex with people of the same gender. We don’t necessarily like them better than we like the other gender; we’d just rather have sex with them.

Isn’t it ironic that we get into relationships with folks of the same sex so that we can have the right kind of sex for us, but then some of us don’t have sex once we’re in those relationships?

Been there and done that. And from what I am hearing, so have a lot of you out there.

Now that I am older, wiser and hornier, I would never put up with a platonic relationship with a lover. Platonic. Doesn’t that mean “friend?” Companionship. Isn’t that what pets are for?

Do single lesbos have more sex than married ones? I really hope not. I hope that everybody is having lots of sex.

But judging by the number of crabby lesbians I see around town, I fear that many of us are not getting enough.

So here it is, my attempt to make sure that the lesbian community is a sexier place to be. Hopefully, after you read this, you will be overcome with desire and take it out on some other woman. (Perhaps those of you who are at work should postpone reading this article until after your shift.)

To those of you who would write to inform me that some people have very good reasons for not having sex and that only therapy can help them discover the nature of their feelings, I say you are right—sex is not a substitute for therapy. But then again, my therapy-addicted compadres, therapy is no substitute for sex, either.

I know a woman who has not slept with another woman (or man) in 15 years. She is not ugly, nor is she any weirder than the rest of us. She is not so busy that she doesn’t have time for sex, nor is she committed to some spiritual pursuit that precludes physical intimacy. She wasn’t sexually traumatized or humiliated. She told me that after her last relationship, she just kind of forgot about sex for a few years. After that, she worried about why she was not sexual but assumed that the right woman would come (ahem) along and end her unintentional stint of celibacy. She quit worrying about the five-year point and just figured that life would show her the way. Now it’s been 15 years, and she swears she doesn’t miss it. In fact, she is not even sure if she wants to have sex ever again.

Fifteen blankin’ years without sex with another woman! No way. I would die. Perhaps it would have been better had I waited until I was out of her earshot to express my feelings on the subject, but I could not contain my horror. Obviously, I was way more upset about her situation than she was, but then she’s had a lot more time to get used to it.

But at least she is single. What if she had a wife and had not had sex in 15 years? Sometimes I see a couple at the grocery store and I swear I can tell that they have not had the pleasure in a long, long time. Sure, I could be wrong. But when you see that look in a woman’s eye, and she is giving it to a pint of ice cream, you kind of know what isn’t going on in the bedroom. Like I said, been there and I am not going back. (Sorry, Sara Lee.)

A few weeks ago, I was talking to a woman who has been in a relationship with the same woman for 22 years. I was impressed. We talked about everything from their super fun and the cute kid to the “eating local and organic” trend that is finally catching on, even outside of Lezzieville. Then we got to talking about our women and she let me in on a little secret that I feel compelled to share (which is probably why people don’t tell me their secrets). She doesn’t need sex. Her wife wants sex, she told me, but she herself doesn’t need it. “So what do you do about your wife’s needs?” I asked her. “It’s the only thing we fight about,” she replied.

Sex is worth fighting for and about. I didn’t risk my life being a queer in “Trailer Park, Ore.,” so that I could not have sex with women.

What does “not needing sex” mean, anyway? I fear it is a euphemism for “I don’t want to have sex.” Nobody really needs sex, but when you want it bad, it sure feels like a need. If you are one of those folks who don’t “need” sex, and your partner does, then I suggest you get naked right now. Hey, if she asked you for a brownie or a new surfboard you wouldn’t hesitate, so you are getting off cheap…so to speak.

If Goddess forbid, you are not having sex with your partner because you are not attracted to her, then get the hell out! It is not complicated—it’s painful. Those two concepts are very different, so don’t get them twisted, sister. Both of you need to move on and find people you do want to see naked.

But if you just can’t make yourself do it, even though you do want to be with her, then there’s something serious going on—and it ain’t going away just because you ignore it. Everything else you have together is not enough. Knitting and travelling cannot take the place of sex, nor can eating or child-rearing. Sooner or later, you are going to have to face the problem.

Denial works for ill-behaved pets and unruly hair, but not for sexless relationships. What will happen is that one of you will find a new pastime called a little tramp, and life will become all bad really fast. What makes us not need sex? Do we get tired, lazy, mad, bored or a combo of all of the above?

I think we get uptight and self-conscious and squeeze all the joy out of the experience. Just because you are no longer carried away on a pillow of ecstasy when you and your girl make whoopee doesn’t mean that you are not into it, or that you have to stop making noise or asking for what you want. No, it is not embarrassing. Going poo with the door open is embarrassing (after the age of 4) and many of you are doing that in front of your women (yuck). So what is the big deal about asking her for a couple more fingers to get you off?

I have also heard that sex in relationships becomes a power struggle and not the fun kind that involves leather and barking orders. She wants it so, you don’t. You can’t give in because then she wins. You never clean the bathroom so she is never going to do you again. Whoa! When did all this weirdness happen? Maybe you do need professional help … from a cleaning woman and a hooker.

Maybe sex was just your way of securing a relationship, and now that the courtship stage is over, so is the frolicking. Snap out of it! Sex is not relationship foreplay. It is the difference between having a relationship and having a goldfish. Sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps you from throwing her stuff on the front lawn.

What should you do if you are trapped in a non-sexual relationship? Well, don’t stop bringing it up. Even when she threatens that your blabbing about it makes her want sex even less, just keep on keeping on. She is just trying to turn you into a passionless robot like her. Being a nag is better than being a eunuch. She might just do you to get you to shut up. When sex ends, the relationship will eventually follow. It may take several years, but it will happen. At some point, you will hide the fact that you are using the “spare bedroom” from your gay friends the same way you used to hide the fact that you were not using it from your parents years ago.

We are sexual beings. We queers risk our lives every day for sex, so make the risk worthwhile. You deserve passion and pleasure. If it has been too long between romps, do something about it. Log on, reach out or roll over—just don’t give up.

Reduce the number of grouchy dykes in the world by one. She definitely won’t be missed.