Do's & Don'ts for Hitting On Women

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Where do we go wrong when it comes to hitting on each other?

Alone in a new city, working full time and working on my doctorate full time, I find myself restless for human interaction. The truth is, all I want to do is go home, put on sweats, and order takeout. But as I drive away from campus, I picture the night unfolding this way and realize that staying home is not going to get me closer to meeting new people. And so, I pull into the mall, buy a $10 shirt, put on some lipstick and drag my tired ass out to a lesbian event.

The vibe is good, the music dance-worthy, the women cute. I make my way to the dance floor and I am happy to see a familiar face when I notice a woman I met once walking towards me. Her hands are out in front of her, making the motion that says “hey, wait a second”. I tilt my head, trying to decipher her body language. Before I realize what is happening, her hands grab my breasts. Both of them. Full grab. Middle of the dance floor. I’m so stunned for a moment I don’t react at all. All I can think of is that no one, ever, in my entire life, male or female, has ever disrespected me like this. I turn and stride outside, to the outdoor patio, fuming and furiously sharing my story with some girls who I’m pretty sure were stoned.

Later, refusing to let THAT girl ruin my night out, I make my way back across the dance floor and accept an invitation from a woman to dance. As we begin dancing I find myself caught off guard by her tongue sticking out of her mouth. Like literally sticking out. For a moment I consider the lighting is bad and I’m seeing shadows or the possibility that she has a mouth condition. And as we continue dancing, I watch on as her eyes travel the full length of my body. Tongue sticking out all the while like a Ren and Stimpy character. And I realize this tongue thing is some socially inappropriate manifestation of over-sexualization. And so off I go again, turning and striding back outside, to the outdoor patio, heels clacking across the wood floor, fuming and furiously sharing my story with the smokers.

Later, I accept a shot in an effort to chill out and not that THAT girl or THAT girl ruin my evening out. As I sit at the bar chatting, I think, I will one day laugh at this night. After a moment, a woman leans in, and perhaps because my guard is up, I scoot my chair back just a bit. When it happens again, I accidentally lean my chair so far back I almost tip over backwards. A few moments later, when she puts her hand on my knee, I remove her hand without saying a word and she promptly walks away. At that, I have had enough and make my way home.

As I watch the city lights go by through the subway window, I lean my head against the cool glass and replay the evening and wonder if I’ve given off some slutty vibe to invite these 3 characters into my evening. I look down and evaluate my outfit. I shake my head and decide the evening was maybe more about how bad we are at hitting on each other than anything else.

Given that, here I offer 4 don’ts and do’s for hitting on women.

Don’t touch unless she touches you first or you get the clear green light. (She says, “don’t you want to touch my knee?”)
Don’t use one of the following lines:

I don’t usually like [white girls, curvy girls, athletic girls, blondes, older/younger girls, etc.] but….
You have (a) really nice[insert crude word for body part here]