Stephanie Schroeder
Blogger, Stephanie Schroeder

So, we’re are coming up here on our second anniversary, me and my girlfriend.

It’s in later December. I’m not certain the exact day—I’d have to look at my old emails in my old email account. It may sound very cavalier to not know the date of my and my honey’s anniversary, but we don’t stand on ceremony. I don’t think she knows the exact date either.

We’re just happy that after two years we are still happy, attracted to each other, laughing, playing and sexing each other. I say “still’ happy because it seems all the Debbie downers, naysayers, and negative people in society, and the few who are around us, don’t hold out much hope for joyful and sexy lesbian relationships. Most dykes, at least as it seems from friends, friends of friends and the lesbian media, are ready to let sex die after a year or two while still staying in a relationship.

Folks, if you are in a relationship, even with someone you love but is not having sex, she’s not your lover or girlfriend—she’s just your friend. Maybe your bestie, and maybe even your family, but not your lover or significant other in strict terms, though I also don’t really like strictures either. I just want to proselytize a bit about making good decisions, the importance of having love in one’s life and the uber importance of having sex in one’s life.

It’s not too hard to find love—among friends, family, even colleagues. But sex, that’s another thing altogether. I’m just going to say that by the time this is published, my gal and I will have reached our two-year relationship milestone. I also want to say it’s still fabulous!

Commenters on this blog are genuinely happy for us and it seems those same commenters don’t, as a rule, seem to have similarly excellent relationships—or if they do, they don’t know many other women who do. What is our “secret” such as it is—that is what people always ask us: “What is your secret to having a fantastic relationship?” COMMUNICATION is the key. Talking about fun things, sexy things as well as hard things and angry things. Friends are aghast that we never seem to argue, and we really don’t. We have disagreements occasionally, but we always talk it through.

That’s it folks, communication. Telling your lover when you are hurt for reasons beyond her control but also when she has hurt your feelings. Telling your girlfriend when you feel like she is not listening. And you hear your girl when she is telling you she does not feel seen. It seems I’ve used a lot of therapeutic buzzwords here, maybe, but it’s all true.

We’ve both been in therapy for quite a long time, off and on, on and off, both individually and with other people. We’ve stopped making poor choices and repeating bad old patterns. And, we’ve chosen to clear out the drama, leave it out of our lives and live fully, and joyfully, in the moment. We’ve decided not to hang onto the why of whys of relationships past, whether our relationships with our parents and families of origin were unsatisfactory or past girlfriends cheated, whether it was friends or colleagues who betrayed us. All that of course all that informs our lives and informs the decisions we make today, both together and apart. But we are not under the influence of lack of closure or pining for different past relationships. We cannot change the past. We can only live for today.

Yesterday, my therapist asked me how I felt about being in two majorly abusive relationships that spanned 15 years of my life. She asked if I felt ripped off or if I had wasted time, whether I resented those women and my time with them. I’m no Pollyanna, I hate those bitches, but I won’t let their personal issues and bad behaviour keep me from enjoying my life now. I told my therapist that I have learned from those relationships and have moved on. I’d rather not have had them, not gone through the pain, emotional and physical, but I did come out the other side and I’m stronger for itz—though I don’t believe abuse builds character, that’s total bullshit!