woman holding hot water bottle in front of stomachAmber and Leah look at getting yet another new donor.

In my previous blog, I mentioned how Concept had rung to inform us that our donor sperm was running low. We waited until we had received my first negative and then we needed to decide if I wanted to use the two remaining attempts with the current donor (the same that Amber has with her embryos) or did we want to pick a new one?

Amber rang them and asked if we could possibly use the donor we had and then if we were unsuccessful in getting pregnant, maybe we could pick a donor after that? We were told that if we did that we would risk not having any donors to pick from in two months time. We had a talk and a think about it, it wasn’t an easy decision because this meant that if Amber and I both had children – they would not be linked at all biologically.

We were worried about the possibility of not getting pregnant with the current donor that we already had and then risk having to wait up to a year for another donor. After thinking a lot about it, we decided it didn’t matter if our children weren’t biologically linked and that yes we would go ahead with a new donor. This opened up a whole new issue! WHO was going to be our new donor? We waited until the next day and rang Concept and they said they would email us that day with some donor choices.

That night after work we sat down and read through 3 donor profiles. What a hard choice to make?! It was quite easy the first time but this time around it seemed a lot harder. The donors all had great qualities and they all had at least one thing that made us think ‘maybe he isn’t the best choice’ After A LOT of going back and forth we decided on one. Even after we had decided on it we still weren’t sure, but after talking it out and even sleeping on it – we had finally settled on one!

We rang back Concept and let them know that we had decided on the donor and yes we would like to go with him from our next attempt that was coming up. We also had figured that those two attempts left with the current donor would mean that someone else out there got a little more for their attempts.

I went through the usual process of blood tests and all of that for the second time around. I had to wake up early to make it to blood tests before work, and then I had to wait through the day to find out how my levels were going. It ended up being on a Saturday that I needed to go in for an ultrasound and blood test. We were hoping it would be Saturday or Sunday for the procedure and we were lucky enough for it to be that Saturday.

I was glad I didn’t need to take any time off work and that Amber was able to come along with me. We went in and used our new donor sperm for the first time, it was late in the afternoon and I think we were the last patients for the day. After the procedure, we were then off to go babysitting! Life continues on as normal for the next two weeks – although the entire time I am wondering about what could be happening in my body!

I again felt sick and just didn’t know what was happening in my body. I was just saying to myself ‘Please mean that these things are good!’ Even one person said to me I was very different this month and it must mean I am pregnant. By the end of the two weeks, I wasn’t feeling too confident, I was getting period symptoms on and off for a couple of days so was feeling pretty low and crap about it all. I almost feel bad telling everyone that I don’t think it’s happening; they are just as heartbroken as us when we receive the negative result!

I took a home pregnancy test the day of the blood test after asking people on my Facebook page if they thought I should do one. I ended up doing it and it came up as negative. I didn’t want to break the hearts of all of my friends and family and Facebook followers until I had the official blood test results. We headed to Mandurah for the day and as the afternoon goes on you just start to assume the worst. The two times Concept rang Amber with positive results it was around or before 2 pm.

So after 2 pm, your confidence is pretty much down the drain.

We got the call while at Ambers sisters house that it was again negative, we were actually both pretty okay about it and didn’t even cry. Of course, we were sad but we are still not giving up the mood and will just keep going on with our dream of getting pregnant.

Writing this, I am waiting for my first blood test so I can begin my third cycle (my second with our new donor) While we are back on the topic of our donor, some people do ask us if or how we will tell our child about their special situation. I think we would be pretty stupid to think our child won’t realise at a certain age that he/she doesn’t have a father. So yes of course we will talk to our child about not having a dad, we want to explain to him or her that they do have a biological father somewhere and that person was very nice to help us to have them.

I want our child to be able to answer the question of ‘who or where is your daddy?’ as early as we can, I want to explain in an age-appropriate way that they are very special to have a donor who they may or may not be able to meet sometime in their life. Do I worry sometimes about our child not having a dad? The answer to that is yes! But at the same time, we have enough men in our family to be positive male influences on their lives.

On my walk tonight I saw a dad and his two sons playing football in the park, the dad gave one of the sons a high-five and the biggest smile, I couldn’t help but give them all a huge smile thinking about the lovely moment I had just seen. It was that moment that actually got me thinking about the whole dad thing and decided then to mention it in this blog. I know that we will love our child with all of our hearts and if they want to play football at the park I would be happy to kick the ball with them. If they want to know about trains and cars and things like that – they can talk to Poppy or their Uncles. Or they might like something that nobody knows anything about – we can learn about it altogether!

I just hope that we can give our child the best life possible and provide them with enough love and support so that it doesn’t even matter there is no Daddy in the picture, just two Mums that will love them to pieces!