Dr Frankie Bashan
Dr Frankie Bashan

Dr Frankie Bashan is a renowned relationship coach and dating expert.

She is a licensed clinical psychologist with over a decade of experience working with couples and individuals and specialized training in the field of trauma. She possesses a unique combination of formal training, innate emotional intelligence, and communication skills that allow her to help couples struggling with relationship issues of all kinds.

Dr Frankie,

As a newly-out lesbian in her 40s, I’m a little confused and thought maybe you could answer this for me: Lots of young lesbians in YouTube videos share how they have sex with straight girls. I don’t know why this bothers me or confuses me so much, other than just seeing it as a self-destructive path that these girls are on. What kind of lesbian wants to be with a woman who’s recently been with men?

Dear Confused:

Thanks for asking. There are a few considerations here:

Consideration #1: It’s a YouTube video. One can’t always believe them. While they attempt to be authentic, there’s no way for a viewer to TRULY know what the real story is, and ultimately: some people just want people to view their videos and they are only concerned about sensationalism. Now, that being said, I’m certain the creators are being authentic. It’s their channel, it’s their stories and if they like having sex with straight girls, then more power to them. But, if you’re a viewer, it’s important to understand that there are many, many, many stories out there and these videos are just a few of them. I encourage you to look deeper, into other sources for a more complete understanding of what you’re curious about.

Consideration #2: The women you’re watching in those videos could be lying, or at the very least, the straight girl’s identity could be something other than straight. Or, they could also really like having sex with straight girls. Again, we have no way of knowing the real truth in any of these videos.

Consideration #3: Sexuality is fluid. As you discovered in your own journey, who you are attracted to can change, and it did. So is the same with others. Maybe these women liked having sex with straight girls because they found them attractive and really wanted to have sex with them! It’s not hard to understand. They are attracted to who they are attracted to.

Consideration #4: I agree that it appears that lesbians who continue to sleep with straight girls are fulfilling a kind of dysfunctional system whereby they are having relationships with women who will never be available to them, but some women do that. It’s confusing, and it happens.

Consideration #5: As far as “who wants to be with a woman who’s recently been with men?” Well, that’s an even larger discussion…about polyamory, about bisexuality, about monogamy….There are actually LOTS of lesbians who have affairs with men, but they would never reveal that because some members of our community still harbour discrimination and judgment about the private sex lives of others. It ultimately comes down to the individual and what is HER identity and how she expresses it. A bisexual woman loves both men and women and lots of lesbians have problems with that. Lots do not, yet lots do. Again, it’s a question that depends on the person and what sort of exposure/experiences she’s had and how she chooses to explore her own sexuality.

Your question is a beefy one, in that it brings up lots of things to consider. But ultimately: it all depends on each individual and what she wants/is attracted to and desires.

I encourage you to explore this topic more and search out other resources that aren’t YouTube videos for a more in-depth discussion on sexual expression and behaviour.

I also have a blog full of more tips and advice on lesbian dating and relationships, read it here.