One woman’s experience dating coffee, smokes, Atkins, and Paleo.

Dating Coffee and Smokes

We were together for a few years, canoodling every morning. Coffee would turn me on, and Smokes always seemed to have the ability to calm me down. We lived for each other day in and day out; it was a tumultuous relationship. The highs and lows were horrific, and I became highly needy and dependent on her.

When I left Smokes, I couldn’t believe how free I felt. I no longer had anxiety about not seeing her; my stress levels lowered because she wasn’t making me think I could only function with her by my side. Yeah, I’m bitter, she lured me in at a young age, and I didn’t think she was doing me much harm. Even though she dressed in diseased lungs and gangrene toes, I thought I loved her. Here I am, feeling misled and manipulated by golly five years after our break up. Do I feel free and happy? I still see Coffee just as friends.

Dating Atkins…

I remember Atkins. Oh boy, do I not forget that beefy woman. Atkins was full of crap. She promised to shed off my waist of waste. She promised to be the meat in my sandwich. She promised she was all I’d need; she would provide me with a healthy life. Pfft. I’m pretty sure Atkins was majorly co-dependent. As soon as we hooked up I was only allowed to be with her. I couldn’t do a Coffee date, nor see too much of Vegetables and Fruit. Atkins reckoned Fruit was too sweet and that she would ruin what we had. I believed it.

All I could do was Meat with her. Atkins liked to Meat up at EVERY meal. I found this a little intense. I mean, sometimes we could ask Good Fats to join us, but mainly it was just her and I meet up.

Safe to say that the relationship lasted eight days. I ended it after I was so constipated I could barely move, and Fruit helped me through.

Dating Juice…

When I first hooked up with Juice, she told me I wouldn’t need my teeth. She didn’t really, but she didn’t have any and never chewed her food. So I guessed I’d head in the same direction eventually. The lesbian urge to merge and all that. Juice seemed so easygoing that life would be elementary and simplified with her. Plus, she promised I’d have everything I needed with her except chewing.

Juice and I were the colours of the rainbow: reds of passion, yellow like the sun, sometimes, we had a fair bit of green envy going on, but she said it was healthy and would be suitable for my resilience and skin.

I ran into my friend Solid Food at the supermarket, and we talked. As I spoke of Juice and me, I read the looks and ingredients of empathy on Solid’s face. It was right then that I knew it had to end. So I called her and ended it then and there. I made out with Solid in the Express Lane; her grapes were terrific.

Dating Shakes….

This woman is an ever-promising, manipulative, lying so-and-so. I can’t even believe I went there. Ugh, to be honest, it only lasted a few days; she was crazy! Her soy-full ways just left my hormones going ridiculous. Additives to that, she was so artificially sweet, it scared me. Everything about that whey cow was a lie.

I wasn’t allowed near ANYTHING but her; she was insane. I can’t believe she has had long-term relationships with other people previously. No way, never again; she’s a nutter.

Paleo, my good friend Paleo. She comes from the bush and is all about hunting and gathering, which in the literal form, is not my thing. I tell ya, though, Paleo is so well-rounded, and I love hanging with her. I can see all my other friends and feel so energetic when she is around. The only thing is, she is a bit sceptical about Nuts, but so am I.

It got to a point where I decided I needed to take time off dating and get back to hanging out with my true friends.

I started to make sure I chatted with Vegetables and Fruits daily, and if I did see Juice, it was just for a catch-up and not for a week-long hangout. I made an effort to make new friends all the time and also see my best friends; Nuts, Beans, and Seafood.

There is this one girl I like. Super Foods. She is fantastic, but I think she made up her name because she’s just another girl. It is lovely just to be around friends with no expectations and who make me feel vibrant and happy. We even gave ourselves a gang name …Whole Foods.