A reader has trouble with a partner who’s as bossy in bed as she is

Dear Hot Stuff,

I’m a bona fide butch and proud of it. I pride myself on being 100% butch from the way I dress and behave to how I am in bed; a place where I’m what you might call the ‘active’ partner at all times.

Being the dominant party has always been a big part of my identity and had never been a problem until I started seeing another hardcore butch about two months ago.

Sex was a little strange to begin with, more like an extremely passionate argument, but recently it’s gotten to a point where it has become genuinely difficult. Neither of us like to be gone down on, both of us like to strap on but not take and we are both uneasy being totally naked during sex. I’m not used to having these issues with a sexual partner as I’ve always had ‘femme’ girlfriends.

What should I do?

Rachel from Birmingham

Dear Butch in Birmingham,

The French have an expression for this: qui se ressemblent s’assemblent meaning that alike people will eventually end up shacking up! They’re very on the ball the Frenchies, you know.

Whilst I’m pleased to see a strong butch woman assert her identity, don’t forget that labels can be restrictive. Sexuality and identity are so beautifully bewildering precisely because they are so personal.

Not all self-identified butches are toppy in bed, for example. If suddenly you feel that adhering to ‘being butch’ is no longer working out for you, then it’s entirely up to you to feel free to explore other ways of expressing or living your sexuality.

It seems that letting go and letting your girlfriend take the reins in the bedroom might be a perfect opportunity to chillax in the face of such a stringent self-image?IFyou feel it’s a problem and that’s what you would like to do.

But I don’t really want you to do that!

My issue is that you seem so proud and confident that I don’t understand why you are forcing yourself into a sexual situation that isn’t working out for you. I think you should have a conversation with your girlfriend and just be honest.

Chances are she is having the same doubts about your compatibility. Bedroom shenanigans are rather important after all and we all know when it’s working out and when it isn’t.

My advice would be to perhaps give it one last chance and see where things go…

Overall, it looks like you’re in for a challenge here, Butch, and what self-respecting lesbian doesn’t like one of those?