When love isn’t enough…

“I’m not sexually attracted to my partner, but I love her very much. How can I fix this?”

Dr Frankie,

I waited 10 years to meet a woman who is together, educated, loving, honest and stable. I should be over the moon (and in many many ways I am… and I am in love with her).

The problem is I am not sexually attracted to her. I am the first female lover she has ever had (we both came out later in life) and I’m not sure if it’s that pressure, or that she is REALLY shy in bed or what. I really need advice.

I want to be with her forever but I’ve got to find a way to fix this, for us both. Any advice?
Lorrie

Dear Lorrie:

I’m a little confused here: You say you’re not attracted to this woman and then you say this woman is really shy in bed—What are you trying to fix? Your attraction to her or her confidence in bed?

If it’s your partner’s shyness in bed, then certainly that is something that can be worked on. However, if the real issue is that you’re not attracted to her regardless of her confidence in bed, then that is a more serious situation.

Chemistry and sexual attraction are vital components, especially early on, if we want our interest and desire to last. A romantic relationship, lacking attraction, is bankrupt of an essential element keeping the connection solid.

It sounds like your girlfriend is a match for you in many ways and that you really want the relationship work. Taking a local sex workshop together, will improve your girlfriend’s confidence sexually and also help you both develop confidence as a couple. If an in-person workshop isn’t possible in your area, online workshops can be just as good.

The question you need to answer is this: Are you attracted to her or not? If you are, then you two need to seek guidance around sex and intimacy. Professional therapists are very skilled in this area and can be helpful. If you aren’t attracted to her, then you need to let her go and allow yourself space and time to meet someone you are actually attracted to and compatible with. It will be painful, but it will be the truth and both of you deserve relationships that are fully satisfactory.

Good luck.

Dr. Frankie