Banana with pink backgroundHere’s the top 12 and how to inappropriately answer them.

For all of us that have Come Out, we know it isn’t smooth sailing. But what next? Once we’re out, the hard part is assumed over, right?

Not even close. What follows is usually an array of awkward and embarrassing questions about our lifestyle asked by everyone from our besties to our boss. And it’s mortifying trying to answer them.

I’ve had my fair share of these queries, and it quickly became tedious having to educate the general population on my right to live my life as a lesbian So after a while, I got bored and decided to call into play my famous British sarcasm and become a bit of a smart ass, revelling in the shocked/embarrassed looks on peoples faces.

So if you’ve also found yourself sat in pubs with strangers, answering awkward questions on your lesbian lifestyle, here’s how to have a little fun with it. Warning: Heavy Sarcasm. Don’t use these on Grandma.

Question 1 – “So do you Scissor?”

Acceptable Answer – No, that’s something porn invented but rarely happens in real life.

Tempting Answer – Every morning. You have to, in order to be a lesbian, or you’re not allowed in the club. I’d have to sit alone at the “faker” table at the annual meeting encased in shame and be shunned from the community. They may even revoke my Lesbian License and I’d have to return my “I Love Labia” T-shirt.

Question 2 – “Will you have a threesome with me and my girlfriend?”

Acceptable Answer – Thank you, I’m flattered, but no.

Tempting Answer – Hooray! I’ve been just dying for you to ask. Of course, I’d love to, and can’t imagine that turning out awkward or humiliating at all. You have no idea how rare it is to find someone who knows that the only reason I became a lesbian was so that I could spice up the sex lives of couples all over the country who are struggling in the bedroom. Would you consider films, too, please? I wouldn’t want you not to be able to show your friends.

Question 3 – “Do you use a dildo?”

Acceptable Answer – Sometimes, depending on personal preference and availability of such object.

Tempting Answer – Of course. How else would we be able to get each other off? The presence of a phallic object is essential in lesbian sex. We can’t possibly do without it.

Question 4 – “But don’t you miss penis?”

Acceptable Answer – Like a hole in the head.

Tempting Answer – Yes, sometimes I lie awake at night, eyes welling, wondering how I’ll ever get by without the joyful pleasure acquired by being poked incessantly by something attached to a hairy, sweating man most likely concerned only with his own satisfaction.

Question 5 – “But, like, how do you define if you’ve had sex if nothing’s *gone in*?”

Acceptable Answer – We define sex as sexual activity that goes beyond heavy petting.

Tempting Answer – Well obviously we don’t call it sex, it can’t be. God said sex is between a man and a woman, and so it would be a sin to regard ourselves as having intercourse. We just try not to think about it and hope that our eternal souls will be forgiven when the day of judgement comes.

Question 6 – “Isn’t it just because you hate men? Like, did some guy piss you off or something?”

Acceptable Answer – No, I am attracted to women. It’s normal.

Tempting Answer – Well obviously. I had a boyfriend once who fancied Jennifer Aniston. When he told me about it, my world fell apart and I am so emotionally scarred by it that I can now only bring myself to be with women. I frequently text my ex and tell him that he’s the reason I am now a lesbian and that he should feel truly ashamed of himself for causing me to make such a catastrophic and unnatural change to my lifestyle.

Question 7 – “Isn’t a Strap-On uncomfortable?” 

Acceptable Answer – No, they’re designed to be “user-friendly.”

Tempting Answer – Horribly. It’s like sandpaper to the vagina. Do you know how stopping to put a condom on can really ruin the mood? Imagine having to spend a considerable amount of time attaching a harness, complete with buckles and adjustable straps, right in the middle of all the fun. I think they design them that way to try to put us off our sinful ways.

Question 8 – (From a female friend) “Do you fancy me, then?”

Acceptable Answer – There is no acceptable answer to this. A “No” is insulting and a “Yes” makes everyone uncomfortable. You can’t win this question.

Tempting Answer – Yes, you’re the reason I became a lesbian. *Longing Stare*

Question 9 – “But, like, how can you bring yourself to actually… You know… *Go down on a woman*?”

Acceptable Answer – It was a strange concept at first but once you’ve taken the plunge it’s not at all what you’d expect.

Tempting Answer – This coming from someone who willingly puts a penis in their mouth? Trust me, women are far more concerned with hygiene and general maintenance than men. And (usually) nothing shoots out at the end into your mouth and/or eyes. It’s like riding a bike—once you’ve got the hang of it, it’s actually good fun and gets you from A to B a lot faster than other methods…

Question 10 – *sigh* “I wish I could be a lesbian. I bet you just sit around painting each other’s toenails and watching rom-coms with face packs on?”

Acceptable Answer – Sometimes, but we also enjoy a wide array of activities too.

Tempting Answer – Yes, you’ve hit the nail right on the head. Once you’ve become a lesbian, you’re required to remove all traces of men and hetero lifestyles from your home. They won’t sell me a ticket to any movie that Ellen Degeneres hasn’t approved and my partner and I spend our time wandering around the house together, discussing waxing methods, deep conditioning our hair and hoping our menstrual cycles will sync up.

Question 11 – “But don’t you want kids?”

Acceptable Answer – Yes, probably. But I can have them with my partner, just as I could with a man. It just requires a little more planning.

Tempting Answer – Out of the question. This is my punishment for choosing to be a lesbian.

Question 12 – “Don’t you think you’ll end up with a man?”

Acceptable Answer – No. Just like you’re not going to end up with a donkey. Once again… I am not attracted to men.

Tempting Answer – God I hope so. This lesbian phase of mine is becoming tiring. Here’s hoping that a man will show up soon and make sure I’m cured of this anomaly once and for all. It’s been exhausting pretending to like women just to turn on men. I can’t wait to get married to a man, just like we all should, and finally be normal again.