Your harness shopping guide.

The perfect harness to your favourite dildo is like the sunshine to your picnic, the chocolate chips to your cookie, the gel-based lube to your… you get the idea. Time to learn the ropes (well, straps) of harness buying.

Material: Do you only knock the vegan boots or would you rather ride with rawhide? Leather harnesses like those by ASLAN Leather are high-quality, durable and bad-ass sexy. ASLAN produces beautiful, well-made work with details like corset-tied back-panels and super-soft leather in fun colours like cherry red and baby blue.

Drawbacks are that their price tags reflect these perks, and that leather’s porousness means it’s difficult to disinfect and therefore not the greatest for sharing with different partners. Animal lovers will appreciate ASLAN’s vegan leather alternatives that look and feel a lot like leather without the guilt.

Nylon harnesses are cheap. But also, they’re cheap. The Sportsheets Latigo Leather harness is just $32. Most nylon harnesses come in some sort of boxed set adorned with a stock picture of a “sexy” lady who probably isn’t even sure what a harness is for.

But they don’t break the bank and are machine washable. They fit a wide range of body types, but this also means your straps might have a lot of slack.

Once you find the right fit, cut the extra strappage off, burn the ends so they don’t fray and tie knots close to the D-rings to prevent slippage. Most cheap harnesses come with swappable O-rings to accommodate different-sized dildos; some even have vibrator pockets to give the wearer an extra zing. They’re perfect for curious commitment-phobes.

On Right: ASLAN harness:

Fabric harnesses, like my all-time favourite the Joque by SpareParts HardWear, admittedly look like diapers on the rack. But once you put this baby to good use, you may never go back.

Machine washable without ouchy buckles, well-designed fabric harnesses are comfortable and functional. Once you adjust the Joque to fit, simply slip it on and off.

Its pouch is great for packing during the day and two vibrator pockets are purr-fectly positioned. The jock style lends itself to stability and control and when on, looks surprisingly streamlined.

Style: G-string-style harnesses aren’t for everyone, but their butt-flossing strap can help hold a butt-plug. Jock-style harnesses are most common and have two thigh straps for more control, comfort and leverage.

Brief styles like the SpareParts HardWear Tomboi (impressively sized from XS-5X) look like a pair of Hanes and are form-fitting, discreet and perfect for pack-and-play without the strappy hassle.

Details: D-ring strap-adjusters are more variable size-wise but can slip during use and are tricky to adjust at the moment. Buckle adjusters don’t provide so tailored a fit but are much easier to tighten.

Make sure your harness can accommodate differently sized dildos either via interchangeable O-rings or a flexible built-in ring like those on fabric harnesses.

When you can, shop for your harness in person, not online. High-end sex toy boutiques like Good Vibrations and Babeland usually let you try on the harness floor model over your clothes. Harnesses should fit low and snug around your hips for optimal dildo positioning and control.

A well-fitting harness is important, but you’ll feel even better in a harness that fits who you are. Get Fatale in SparePart’s lacey, garter-belt-adorned Bella harness, butch up with RodeoH’s famous, all-day wearable, brief-style, or get luxe in ASLAN Leather’s Luxe White Jaguar. 

However, you harness it, make sure to tighten those straps because if you’re strapping it on, chances are you’re about to get bucked.