Christina Spaccavento
Christina Spaccavento is a qualified and experienced Sex Therapist, Relationship Specialist and Counsellor

Our resident Sex therapist and relationship counsellor tackles some problems in the bedroom.

Dear Christina,

After reading your article I wanted to write to you. I am  a young lesbian , although I have only been ‘out ‘ for about 6 months. I have not yet had a girlfriend. I have kissed girls and stuff but nothing more.

I am so nervous at the thought of having sex with another woman. I am just really scared I won’t know what t o do and she will be put off my lack of ie no experience.  Will it all come naturally?

It is normal to feel apprehensive, nervous and sometimes even scared when we are endeavouring on new experiences in our lives, including sexual ones too. So that your next sexual experience with a woman can be enjoyable and as fear free as possible it might be a good idea to let the woman know that you haven’t been ‘out’ for very long and are still exploring intimacy with women.

Talking about sex and sexual techniques with your partners can also be helpful. It is however important that you are discerning in who you choose to share this information with. It is usually easier to feel safe, supported and free of judgement when trying new things if you have sex with someone you have been dating for a while, with whom you feel comfortable and safe and have developed some trust and rapport.

When you have developed a relationship with someone they are more likely to be understanding of your situation and support you in your sexual and personal growth.

Remember the saying “practice makes perfect”, well the same goes for feeling comfortable and relaxed during sex. The more you do it, the easier it will get, the more you will understand your likes and dislikes and the more natural it will feel. So don’t be afraid to try new things and explore your sexuality with a partner(s) or on your own. But always make sure it is in a safe environment.

Hi Christina, 

I have a problem that I need advice on. I have been dating my girlfriend for 5 years now. At first , within the first 3 months sex was great, she was never as adventurous as I was, quite vanilla, but still we had a connection.

After the 3 month mark though the sex started slipping away.  We have only been having sex about once every month or every 2nd month. This has been going on almost for 5 years. I have brought it up with her and we have seen a therapist about these issues.

She has also had hormone testing done as well. There has been nothing to show why her sex drive is so low. She also does not give oral sex nor does she like to receive it. I am at my wits end and not happy at all and very jealous of all my other friends who are in intimate relationships.

I am not sure what to do. Can you really break up with someone just over a sexual mismatch, even though I am in love with her?


You have raised a few issues here that are quite common in long term relationships. The first I would like to discuss is the reduction in frequency of love making.  It is common that we will notice a reduction in the frequency of sex after the relationship has passed from the initial phase into the committed and long-term phase.

A common complaint, it can nevertheless be a baffling and unsettling change within a relationship. We often spend a lot of time trying to understand why? But this change can be simply explained by the cycle of limerence, that is, the initial wave of relationship euphoria, feeling passionately in love and having a lot of sex followed by a petering out of this initial passion into the daily routine of a relationship.

Although the initial excitement and intensity may be gone, the relationship is usually more intimate. When limerence wears off, each person’s level of sexual desire and level of sexual interest in the relationship is more accurately represented.

From your description of events it sounds like you and your girlfriend experienced limerence followed by some normal progressions in a long-term relationship. Having said this, it does not mean that the current situation cannot change and you and your girlfriend cannot work things through to have more frequent and fulfilling sex.

There may be multiple reasons as to why your girlfriend does not feel like being sexual more often, including physiological, psychological, emotional and social factors such as shame and embarrassment around sex.

Were all of these issues explored with your therapist? Have and your girlfriend spoken about her reasons for not wanting to be sexual and why she does not like oral sex? Does she want the sexual dynamics in the relationship to change?

Clear and honest communication is essential if you are going to get a better understanding of what is going on for your girlfriend. In terms of ending the relationship based on mismatched sexual desire, it is important that you get clear on your values and needs in regards to relationships and the importance of sex to you in this relationship.

Is this a make or break issue? Are you willing to negotiate with your girlfriend and come to a compromise? Are you willing to work on this relationship? The great part of all of this however, is that your have found a woman that you are in love with that on some levels must make you very happy.

So, I would recommend that you seek some further help from an experienced and qualified sex therapist to work on this issue before you make any major decisions.