You’ve got it bad, here’s how to tell if you’re really into her.

Crushes hit you hard and fast, and there’s no denying how much of your crazy they bring out. If you’ve ever found yourself on the business end of one of those women who seem to whirlwind into your life, you’ll have experienced some of these symptoms. And I’m afraid there is no cure.

1. You want to buy her flowers.

All the time. Or chocolate. Or that country cider she likes. You know about the cider because she Tweeted a picture of her smiling and having some in 2009 and that’s how far back you scrolled.

2. You care, so much, about what her friends think of you.

If one of them adds you on Facebook you feel fuzzy and secretly nominate her as your maid of honour at your wedding. Screw your twin sister… She can do the flowers or something.

3. Even though you’ve only been dating for two weeks,

you’ve already coordinated your work and family commitment schedules in your head. OK, you may have to spend Christmas with her family but she’ll come to stay with you for that work weekend away in 2 months. It’s all sorted.

4. You know exactly what to buy her as a perfect present

to make her smile and can’t wait to give it to her. Like, seriously, you have it down. The only problem is you can’t give it to her yet because it’s nowhere near her birthday and you don’t want to blow your cover. Your crazy, obsessive cover.

5. Your dog would be called Muddles.

He’d be a rescue and you’d let her pick him out. He can sleep on her side of the bed so long as she’s always there too.

6. Her Facebook Profile may as well be your homepage.

And who is that b**ch who literally likes everything she does?! Wh**e. Ugly wh**e. Open your damn profile already so I can see more than your basic info and horrible, smiling, probably-funnier-than-me face!

7. If she has an Instagram or Tumblr

that is the end of your what-to-look-at-on-the-train troubles. #Stalker

8. You have to clear your phone and all apps of her profiles before you see her.

Otherwise, it’ll be like that time I opened my Facebook in front of the current lucky lady who was in possession of my overbearing affection and the comments sections from her post from weeks ago was up. There’s that damn woman commenting again… Grrr.

9. The number of hours you’ve spent staring at her name on Whatsapp

or waiting for her to start typing back rivals the amount of time you’ve spent on showering or sleeping this week.

10. A message from her can wake you up at 5 am.

If her name flashes up on your phone… You’re up and alert. Who needs espresso when you have a low-self-esteem induced crush on an unobtainable woman…?

11. If you met online, you only ever open your account

now to check when she was last online. Yesterday? But we’ve been dating for two weeks?! WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!?!

12. You’ve used her toothbrush.

From when you turned up at her door to “surprise her” at 3 am after drinks with friends. She found that cute, right?

13. You can recite a backdated list of her last 6 exes in chronological order.

No, she didn’t give you that information.

14. You’ve stopped dating other people but haven’t told her this yet.

You cancelled a date just in case she wanted to do something with you. Thank God for Netflix and gin (she didn’t).

15. Even though you know you shouldn’t, you respond to every text within seconds.

Sometimes you force yourself to wait four minutes and 45 seconds to attempt to maintain a modicum of dignity. There’s a timer set on your phone.

16. Can everyone else just stop f**king contacting you?!

Every time your phone goes, if it’s not her, you do the human embodiment of the Sad Face emoticon and scowl vehemently.

17. You never liked half the things that she does

but now you find them quirky and endearing. Who knew hard-core drum-and-bass actually had a poetic side? And why were you so quick to write off stroke-able leopard print… She’s wearing that ironically, surely?