Seven Ways To Spot A Bisexual (Or Not)
We ALL wear purple. It’s easy!
Credit: Ben White
We want to sleep with you. Every single one of you.
No, we don’t just need the bathroom. This, my dear, is the frenzied, cross-eyed, frankly demented looking bisexual look of love. Bonus points if there are two other people in the room and you’re different genders. Extra bonus points if there is a room full of people. Yum. And if there is only a chair, because everyone else left the party, that’s no problem for a bi chick. We’ll just give one side of the chair a woman’s name and the other a man’s and get on with it.
2. We can never pick a dessert
Well, you know – some people like chocolate, some strawberry. We literally CANNOT DECIDE. Do not take us out for a date. We’ll be trying to catch the waiter’s eye with nothing but lust in mind and eventually get kicked out for not ordering.
We like the dark corners at Pride
We absolutely don’t want to be involved in the proceedings, thanks very much. We’re content to be here just to **** on your parade. Ha ha. With our boyfriends. I’d make an “I heart straight privilege” banner but I can’t be bothered because I’ve never experienced any prejudice for my sexuality in my life. My mission to infiltrate your celebration is based purely on selfishness and evil. Where’s the beer tent?
Our rite of passage
Bi is about an attraction to a binary. Any old binary. We know you don’t get it, but we can explain. If you’re really good, we’ll tell you about that time when we were 18 and a group of older bisexuals took us into the woods and asked us to ride a bicycle, wearing binoculars and speaking another language until they sent out a binary signal to call us back. You know what comes next… Bisexuals then have to sign a contract promising they will hide out in woods and dark corners for the rest of their lives and not confuse the rest of society by being too visible.
Our experimentation process
We lied when we told you it was just going to be excellent sex. We actually use purple lasers and the same Ani DiFranco song played on repeat until you go mad and agree to join us. Well, you did wander into our woods/dark corner. Here’s your certificate. Unfortunately we can’t afford toaster ovens* because we’re too busy sleeping around to work.
We’re the only kids who got Harry Potter invisibility cloaks
Well sometimes we have to sneak out of the woods at short notice for something special. On those occasions we walk freely amongst you without you noticing.
We go quiet when you suggest a Woody Allen movie
Because he came out with the best quote about bisexuality ever (not): “Bisexuality doubles your chances on a Saturday night.” Actually, it doesn’t, because bi stereotypes suck. Also Woody Allen is just generally a bit dubious.
*Season 4, episode 22 of Ellen for those of you who missed it. If you were queer and born in the early 80s… Damn. I’m welling up just thinking about it.