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My Dating History...With Diets

One woman's experience dating coffee, smokes, Atkins, and Paleo.


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Dating Coffee and Smokes

We were together for a few years, canoodling every morning. Coffee would really turn me on and Smokes always seem to have the ability to calm me down. We lived for each other day in and day out, it was a tumultuous relationship, really. The highs and lows were horrific and I became dependent on her and extremely needy.

When I left Smokes I couldn’t believe how free I felt. I no longer had anxiety about not seeing her, my stress levels lowered because she wasn’t making me believe I could only function with her by my side. Yeah, I’m bitter, she lured me in at a young age and I didn’t think she was really doing me much harm. Even though she dressed in diseased lungs and gangrene toes, I thought I loved her. Here I am 5 years after our break up feeling misled and manipulated but by golly do I feel free and happy. I still see Coffee, just as friends.

 

Dating Atkins…

I remember Atkins. Oh boy do I remember that beefy woman. Atkins was full of crap. She promised to shed me of my waist of waste. She promised to be the meat in my sandwich. She promised she was all I’d need, she would provide me with a nutritious life. Pfft. I’m pretty sure Atkins was majorly co-dependent. As soon as we hooked up I was only allowed to be with her. I couldn’t do a Coffee date, nor see too much of Vegetables and Fruit. Atkins reckoned Fruit was too sweet and that she would ruin what we had. I believed it.

All I could do was Meat with her. Atkins liked to Meat up at EVERY meal. I found this a little intense. I mean, sometimes we could ask Good Fats along to join us but mainly it was just her and I meating up.

Safe to say that relationship lasted 8 days. I ended it after I was so constipated I could barely move and it was Fruit that helped me through.

 

Dating Juice…

When I first hooked up with Juice, she told me I wouldn’t need my teeth. Well, she didn’t really, but she didn’t have any and she never chewed her food. So I guessed I’d head in the same direction eventually. Lesbian urge to merge and all that. Juice seemed like she was so easygoing, that life would be really easy and simplified with her. Plus she promised I’d have everything I needed with her. Except chewing.

Juice and I were the colours of the rainbow: reds of passion, yellow like the sun, sometimes we had a fair bit of green envy going on but she said it was healthy and would be good for my resilience and skin.

I ran into my friend Solid Food at the supermarket and we got to talking. I read the looks and ingredients of empathy on Solid’s face as I spoke of Juice and I. It was right then that I knew it had to end. So I called her and ended it then and there. I made out with Solid in the Express Lane, her grapes were amazing.

 

Dating Shakes….

This woman is an ever promising, manipulative, lying so and so. I can’t even believe I went there. Ugh, to be honest it only lasted a few days, She was crazy! Her soy-full ways just left my hormones going ridiculous. Additives to that, she was so artificially sweet, it scared me. Everything about that whey cow was a lie.

I wasn’t allowed near ANYTHING but her, she was insane. I can’t believe she has had long term relationships with other people previously. No way, never again she’s a nutter.

 

Paleo, my good friend Paleo. She comes from the bush and is all about hunting and gathering, which in the literal form is not really my thing. I tell ya though Paleo is so well rounded and I love hanging with her. I can see all my other friends and I feel so energetic when she is around. The only thing is, she is a bit skeptical about Nuts, but so am I.

 

It got to a point where I decided I needed to take time off dating and get back to hanging out with my true friends.

I started to make sure I chatted with Vegetables and Fruits daily and if I did see Juice it was just for a catch up and not for a week long hangout. I made an effort to make new friends all the time and also see my best friends; Nuts, Beans, and Seafood.

There is this one girl I like. Super Foods. She is amazing, but I think she made up her name because she’s just another girl really. It is so nice just to be around friends, with no expectations and who make me feel vibrant and happy. We even gave ourselves a gang name ...Whole Foods.

About the Author

Kate Fitzpatrick is the Founder of PinkFitz, Gay and Lesbian Health and Fitness and is known by many as the “Healthy Homo”. She's an Aussie expert in all things health, fitness, lifestyle balance and fun. Kate’s step by step approach marinated in her honour makes “getting healthy” easy, achievable and enjoyable! Connect with Kate and join the PinkFitz LGBTIQ community here!

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